Friday, December 31, 2004

The Legally Mad Uterus and the New year

The Mad-Uterus continues to grow and this year is bound to bring to us a magic we have never known. A new Future Intern that is going to lay some new rules. She’s confident that with a little voice training she will be able to take control of this house immediately. Speed of light quick.

Right at this moment I am in an alcoholic daze on new year's eve and we’re negotiating a truce. I‘ve threatened not to let her out. Maybe I’ll get one of my surgery friends to come over and stitch up the wife’s cervix. “No way out Intern, not until you give up, I own this place”.

She agreed, but I know she lies. She lies, already. Maybe she has future as a lawyer, follow in her mother’s footsteps. She’d be a great lawyer that future Lying Intern. Hmmm, maybe a writer of fiction even.

To my future Intern:

“This is 2005, it’s MY year, you’re just part of it. Get it? You’re just gonna come in here, you’re gonna keep quiet, you’re gonna let your daddy sleep, otherwise, you know...”
“Sure daddy, whatever you want”
“You bet whatever I want” (as I smash a beer can on my forehead)

And as the alcohol wears off I come to my senses. I turn to this womb, this placenta that feeds this future great liar of mine, put my mouth up to the belly button and scream:

“You Liar”

And I could swear that as I listened intently, using a stethoscope, I could swear I heard a faint but recognizable voice from within the depths of this womb of flesh. It was a high pitched voice and it scared the stool (medical terminology) out of me. I quote:

“Tell your readers to have a wonderful new year and a happy and prosperous one to boot. Oh…and get some sleep daddy...You’ll need it”