Perfect-Resident Life

It’s three AM, I am admitting Mr. Lopez for the third time this month. I’m night float, again. Yayyyyy!


I have a dream, nay, vision of a better world. In my better world Perfect-Residents exist. They are better Residents, maximally suited for today’s inpatient overload. Perfect Residents admit eight to ten patients per night. They do this by disregarding all human urges, in order so that nothing may prevent them from achieving their ultimate goal.

Perfect Residents travel attached to IV poles, a waste basket of human shortcomings that bears containers of urine and stool that are the final common pathway for the catheters that emerge from the orifices mother nature, unfortunately, installed. In my vision of the future, Perfect Residents run on hydrogen and emit only water as a waste product. Genetic alteration testing is already underway and we are going to have a working prototype by mid-summer, we’re hoping.

Their Gastric tubes are continually fed by a mix specially designed by our Pharmacy Department to include a potent form of caffeine and all the legal available amphetamines in the institution. Perfect Residents are continuously conscious having overcome the need for sleep, powered by chemical energy. G-tubes offer the distinct advantage of delivering efficient fuel that does not have to be purified and thus I believe it will make a more convenient and cheap solution. We must be cost-savvy, of course.

Thinking, as a general exercise, will be outsourced. We’ve found a center in India that is willing to do our Thinking for a fraction of the energy and manpower that we spend now. Of course, we’ve found that the Current-Resident Thinking is skewed and easily affected by fatigue and other such unimportant factors. Not to mention that intern thinking has been proven to be an exercise in futility. We at the Mad House believe that thinking should certainly be left to those who can do it for cheap, while leaving all the manpower and hands we have available for more important manual labor.

I predict a revolution. By mid-summer, with a new model up and running, Perfect-Resident will be a reality, a reality which will shake Graduate Medical Training at its core. Get ready for the new improved prototype of graduate whose soul purpose in life will be to admit, obey and do as little thinking as possible.