Thursday, September 22, 2005

Don't Say I Didn't Help

As thousands of fourth year medical students struggle with their personal statements for the upcoming match I thought I would take this time to suggest some phrases that may catch the eye of your favorite program's director and raise your chance of success.

Attempt to build these phrases into your personal statement depending on your choice of future profession (I take no responsibility for the fool who actually takes me seriously):

Medicine: "I really love treating chronic disease. I particularly enjoy Diabetes. It always fascinated me how blood glucose can go up and then down and then up, and then down. I find it particularly interesting how certain medications will help and then stop helping, and then I add another medication, and then that will help, and eventually it will stop helping. Sweet! (I mean that ironically)"

Surgery: "As a child I always wanted to cut things open. Especially animals and dead meat my parents brought home from the butcher. I remember those trips to the butcher shop. The smell of flesh and rotting blood reminded me of daisys blooming in springtime."

Radiology: "I equate x-rays with human nature in that they look through our exteriors and into the heart of the being. As a child, I always wanted to have x-ray vision. Especially during my puberty stage."

ER: "OK, let me say it like it is. Yes, I'd like to forget everything I learned in medical school. I don't like patients and this is a great way to make tons of money and have absolutely no responsibility what-so-ever. And the't get me started on the shifts" (scathing review for this one will appear in the comments section and at Gruntdoc and at Symtym, I imagine)

Dermatology: "Skin, oh warm..and...protective...and...colorful...and it changes colors, say when people suntan. Which they shouldn't do...I love skin, did I say that already"

Neurology: "I was born to test reflexes. As an infant my parents can recall how I quickly took to the hammer. Instinctively, I would chop away at the extremities of my siblings, swinging wildly at their knees and ankles. Today, as I strive to finance their evergrowing need for assisted mibility devices I realize that the field of Neurology is my true calling."

Pathology: "As a second year medical student nothing could top the rush I had when reviewing a slide of a cirrhotic liver or an enlarged spleen. The pathologist serves as the doctor's doctor. And the doctor serves as the pathologist's doctor. Such is completed a neverending circle of interdependence the likes of which I can only dream of."

Plastic-Surgery: "I dream of a better looking world"

Orthopedics: "This table on which I write my personal statement is lopsided. is no longer"

Urology: "I always felt people deserve two chances. Upon learning that there are TWO kidneys I understood my dreams had been realized. Oh, and urine...oh urine..."

Feel free to use any of the above in your personal statement. You need not thank me.