Tangled Bank #28: “Alternative” to a Healthy Mind
Welcome to the Tangled Bank, a carnival that’s everything scientific. The Tangled Bank has evolved over the year to include medicine and topics closely related to science. The Medical Mad House is proud to host this wonderful carnival in what we hope will be another success.
We wanted so badly to be original that we decided to highlight, for the first time in Tangled Bank history, some of the more questionable practices of medicine. We therefore reached out ot the homeopaths and the herbalists for submissions. Quickly, we learned how to swindle people's hard earned money ourselves and developed our own Mad House line of products. If you would like to purchase any please email me at I’m_a_sucker@Madhouse.com
I encourage you to read all the entries as most of them were well written and very interesting. The highlighted link is the only part of the introduction that's related to the post. Don't understand what I mean? Read on.
But remember, I am a second year resident, which automatically denotes a certain amount of residual psychiatric pathology from internship. So if you don't love the "theme", blame it on the haldol.
Shall we begin?
St. Nate's All Natural Olive oil and Garlic Mix
This first line agent for life threatening disease has never failed in clinical trials (We’ve never conducted any). Our medical expert, the health minister of South Africa, recommends the supplement to cure AIDS in his country. Look at the great results he's getting.
Side Effects: Stupidity, Lunacy, Delusions, and Dying of AIDS.
Dr. Charles Green Man Stone Carvings
Sure to reconnect you with Mother Nature, you will feel soothed and naturally cure hypertension and diabetes. Simply crack one of these over your head every morning.
Side Effects: Hemorrhage from cranium, epidural bleed, subdural hemorrhage, contusions, and induced mental retardation.
Orac's Phase I Easy to Swallow Powder
Ever wanted to know how Oncology Phase I trial are chosen and conducted. This essential remedy contains mountain daisy and marsh tea and is proven to cure resistant cancers. My grandmother's sister's husband's former roommate from college knows this guy who was instantaneously cured by this stuff. Really!
Side Effects: Advance in Stage of Cancer. Loss of internal organs unnecessarily
Andy's Natural Killer Cell Evolutionizer
This anti-pathogen cream is made of an Epstein Barr Virus solution combined with poison Ivy in large doses to boost you body's Natural Killer Cell population. Didn't know you had Natural Born Killers? Sexy isn't it.
Side Effects: Lysing, complement fixation, spending excessive efforts engulfing or just golfing.
The Milkriver Xeric Snail Complete Kit
A medicine par excellence to cure the possible decline in this magical species and will increase your enthusiasm for life and give you that energy you've always wanted. You will magically lose weight when combined with appropriate diet and exercise.
Einstein God's Darwinian Supplement
Feel unable to respond a creationist appropriately? Simply omit Spencer from the argument and this supplement allow you to think more freely and rationally.
Bnug Ferret Cocktail
Specially engineered to combat nausea or induce it (we're not sure).
Side Effects: Retching, Vomiting, Nausea, Wishing for death as you hover above your toilet so that it will all end.
Kelly's Fluoride Flavored Powder
When given in small doses can be toxic to tooth-decaying bacteria. Recently it was discovered as a toxic compound, did you know this? Neither did Kelly. We’ve decided to change marketing strategy and sell it as insecticide.
Side Effects: Insects with clean teeth.
Circadiana Circannual Rhythm Chant
Ever feel tired after strenuous exercise or a large meal? Chances are your circannual clock is not accurately functioning. The Chant (Melody and words sold separately) is meant to be sung in public and is known to increase the amount of riboflavinoid Manisticast in muscle.
Side Effects: Appearing unintelligent, Psychiatric hospital admissions, possibly some jail time.
Technogypsy Soda Pop
Wonder how much science goes into making a simple soda bottle? Simply buy this drink and place it on to increase your taste bud sensitivity level and waste your hard earned money.
The Harvester Butterfly Compound
An introduction to this magical species of carnivorous butterflies. The shell of this former caterpillar is ground and mixed with “ultra-plasma”. Also buy Harvester stool, which is known to have a high percentage of gastroflabric flavinoid, a first line agent in fracture treatment (you must first get the fracture cast first)
Bootstrap's Ivory-Billed Woodpecker Wood Extract
An account questioning why the US government doesn't help the Woodpecker where they do know it exists? A pure extract from Cuba made from bird droppings. Guaranteed to not be guaranteed.
Political Calculations Easy Math Memory Tape
This book by Political Calculations on the easy to memorize mathematical system of calculating GDP will allow you to forecast the exact point at which this administration will drive the Gross Domestic Product into the dirt.
Side Effects: Bankruptcy and Property Seizures. Death by Uncle Sam.
Canadian Cynic Creationist Complex (Quad C Mix)
The magic quad C mix is made of marigold and Comfrey and was “directly observed” to be quite ironic.
Evolgen Chimeric compound (ECC)
What is a Chimeric gene you ask? The optimal treatment for deep cuts and bruises. This extract works wonderful, after stitching.
Side Effects of ECC are mild and include death, coma and persistent vegetative state.
PZ Myers Sea Monster Cream
What do you think of when you think of Kansas? The Niobrara is a geological formation where we found these special gems made to help with your typical this and that and give me your money.
Brentrasmussen Human Origins Cleansing Enema Treatment
By learning the origins of the hominids (that, hopefully, is you), we’ve discovered a liquid that’s equivalent to a deep rectal massage. I will save you the gross details.
Side Effects: Gross Details
Feministe Female Orgasm Original
A soy based formula to help your possibly useless female orgasm and designed to stimulate and indulge the mind’s more erotic centers. Work when used in conjunction with good sex.
Side Effects: Let's face it, even I would buy this.
Rhosgobel's Antibiotic Resistance Resistor
Know how bacteria acquire resistance? No? We can definitely sell you some of this useless crap then. Made of seaweed and salmon serum it’s designed to protect bacteria from the damaging effects of antibiotics, and useless other things.
Blogology 101 (Great name BTW) Pundit Silencer
Just load this wonderful pistol and aim it at your television next time some science pundit appears on MSNBC and says a whole bunch of crap that's not true. Now, pull trigger!
Aydin Stupid Mummy Recipe
Investigation into Mummy curses have led to an interesting finding. We just don’t have a pill for it, yet!
Sound and Fury Dark Matter Combo
What fills the galaxy? An extract to improve dark matter vision, it will open your eyes to the wonderful world of astrology. The only downside of this wonderful extract is spending valuable time thinking about astrology.
Ware Farms Genetic Sexual Device
Since Sexual orientation is coded for in genes we've invented this easy to carry Quick Sexual Orientation Analyzer. Easy to afford in 3 simple payments of $89.99.
10, 000 Birds Sexual Dimorphism Decoder
Ever felt like your hubby was better looking even though he's also human (I hope)? Now you need not wonder why. The process is called sexual dimorphism and if you buy this decoder absolutely nothing will happen.
Organic Matter Wollemia nobilis Resurrector
Stumbled across an extinct species recently? Once Believed to Be Extinct, Wollemia Nobilis may just be your key to the next great discovery. But it’s unlikely.
Vaughan’s Depression Pick-Me-Up Workout Tape
Some scientists have determined that depression is a "physical disease". Duke Tightbutts, famous celebrity trainer, will help you squeeze and flex those blues away. Take control of your life, your mind, body and your bank account.
Warning: wearing tights may make you look silly enough to push you into further depression.
B and B GIFTS Package
Ever heard of Geosynchronous Imaging Fourier Transform Spectrometer? It’s a NASA mission that led to the discovery of our holy crap I’m drained out of ideas and this theme is long past overused. It’s a great article, read it.
Joshua Starling Prepackaged
A Starling grapples with a predator. Since starling are evil we can’t use them in any of our "medications", I use that term loosely.
Cameron offers a variety of computer projects others can participate in. He calls it computer research.
Dave's Drum Machine
Demonstrating how tempo changes mood and an interesting experiment that showed how drummers convey different emotions buy simply changing the tempo and volume of a drum.
So feel free to celebrate life to the sound of a different drum.
That wraps it up. I would like to thank all thirty contributors for taking the time to write such great stuff simply for pleasure. I had a wonderful time reading your entries. Thanks to PZ Myers for letting me host the Carnival. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org if you would like to host or for submissions. The next Tangled Bank will be hosted on June 1st at Organic Matter.
Finally, when I was in eighth grade a banner hung above the blackboard. It was a quote by William Harvey and it read "All that is known is infinitely less than all that remains unknown", so get to work.