Tuesday, December 21, 2004

License to Pry

(Rated R)

“So how come you came to the clinic today Mr. Johnson” I said in my innocent, non-judgmental tone of voice, as this young man settled into the seat.

“No real reason, just for a regular checkup and..stuff”.

His eyes fixed on a corner of the room where he wished he could roll up like a ball and hide from my gaze. “And stuff”, I’ve come to realize, is the male codeword for sexual “stuff”. I continued.

“Is there anything that concerns you?”

“No. not REALLY”. He attempted to deliver the cryptic message he so wanted to tell.

“Well, is there anything you want to discuss? Is everything all right in your life? At home? At work? Or...In the bedroom?” I attempted to coax my patient into telling me the secret I already knew.

“Well, now that you mention it doc, I’ve been having trouble in the bedroom”. Aha.

Occasionally my license to pry gets me in trouble. This was one of those “occasions”.

“You see when I see my girlfriend and I Wanna rip her clothes off and FUCK the CRAP out of her but then we GET-IT-ON and WE FUCKIN and then I finish too quick..you know”.

“You mean that when you have INTERCOURSE you think that you reach ORGASM too fast?” I was Attempting to both set the tone and um, vocabulary, for the remainder of this interview.

The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success, this was the former. He continued.

“You know once we get goin, and uh”, gyrating his pelvis in a manner reminiscent of bad 80’s porn (not that I would know), “we goin and goin, and she like tell me like, hold it, and I’m like, I can’t baby”.

Watching him, I was reminded of a time when life still seemed so simple, and his attempts at non-verbal communication had brought back memories of why I still pay for a broadband connection month after month. He was, after all, attempting to bond with me in that macho male sort of way. I felt for him.

He continued his pelvic dance as I reached for my prescription pad in panic to find the latest SSRI we have on formulary. I felt this interview needed to come to its unfortunate and quick demise. After finding this medication I needed to explain the effects he should expect.

I found that our difference in terminology was interfering with his complete appreciation of this magical remedy. He was after all a young man in whom I recognized the special features of another’s, more personal, adolescence. I felt sad that I would have to watch him leave unsure of his own virility.

Suddenly, the boy who was raised in Brooklyn, and still resides somewhere within me, took it upon himself to make a cameo appearance in order to bring clarity to his confusion.

“What I’s sayin is that you gonna be able to fuck her for longer, you get it?”