Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Parody of Blog- (Where Blogs come to Life) Episode 1

“There are lies, Damn Lies and Statistics” I said, smiling at the attractive pharmaceutical agent, Alexa, as she made her best attempt to persuade us that we should prescribe more Vioxx. Blogborygmy, our *Sub-I, asked if they were thinking about taking the drug off the market. He overheard DB and the *COMMISH speaking about the latest research that the drug increases cardiac complications. “Cardiac complications? No waaayyyyl, look at these charts” she said as she bent forward, revealing a small morsel of her delicious bottom. Our morning began well and the team was in good spirits.

My entourage grows daily now. Our two students, RealSpace and Cerebral do a very good job. Although Cerebral is always in the bathroom on account of that constipation, he still somehow manages to get all the blood draws done. The Sub-I keeps us updated about who’s doing this week’s Grand Rounds and stuff. We never get to go because our Attending Charles continues to chat away about some transsexual from the office and wastes our precious hours rounding. Whatever man, I got rectals to do! This morning are especially brutal as he started going on and on about some med student he’s teaching in clinic. It’s a med-student man, get over it.

Our daily war with the Surgeons and the nurses continues. When CutToCure caught a glimpse of us during rounds he began running in the other direction. Probably didn’t want our consults. We heard last night he was up pretty late with some nincompoop who he operated on last year. Oh well, compassion only goes so far in the Mad House and we scurried down the hallway hot on his trail. He ran to the basement towards the linen closet. On our way there we stopped in to see what the FUG girls were trying to promote as “the new white coat”. Actually, it was a rainbow colored design by some guy named Louie Vuitton. Seems the French are sticking their noses in our hospital fashion now. We found CutToCure and punished him by asking him about some basic cardiac murmurs. He said “I’m a surgeon man, all I need to know is that the heart is still beating”. Blasphemy!

The nurses give everyone a hard time, especially that HeadNurse. The other day she nearly cursed out RebelDoctor and called him a “Shrink, voodoo maker, nutso bag James Dean…What’s with all that Grease on your hair doc”. Her voice was loud and intimidating (That sleep apnea is really taking its toll on her and she is much more agitated during the day). We had to restrain her with some Haldol and called the Copper for Security, because you know these nurses are nuts. On second thought, a Doctor walking around with leather coat looking like James Dean? Someone should definitely remind the good doctor that this is a hospital.

To top things off, Observer, our favorite patient codes early in the morning. In the rage of machinery and flying syringes that follows we pound his chest with fury and stick lines in every orifice we find. All the alarms, blood, flesh and tears really got my blood flowing and as he came back to life, and immediately demanded breakfast, I headed upstairs, back to the conference room, to find Alexa. I hope there’s a free call room somewhere.

And all before 9 AM.

Welcome to the Mad House.

(To Participate in future Parodies read here)