Sunday, December 04, 2005

Hail To The Chief

Two days into my rotation as ER chief. That means that every patient who walks/is wheeled into the Emergency Room has to be seen by me first and then I hand it out to a junior resident.

“What part of Emergency did you not understand?”

Shame on you! You probably tuned in to hear me bitch about how bad Emergency Medicine is. Me, complain about the Emergency Room? You must’ve been reading another blog. Now wait here while I go fetch this guy a clean catch, I need urine.

“This is a level 1 trauma center. What level would you rate your arthritis pain and do you believe it really belongs here?”

I walk into another room as the twenty year old patient in the paper gown informs me I should remain quiet. “We’re in grave danger” he says. “I need a one-to one here” I announce to one and all as I storm out of the room to intubate the asthma exacerbation next door. Figures! He suffered blueberry poisoning last month and his parents tried to have him killed, in Europe, when they found out he was a double agent for the Israeli’s.

“I say Mazal Tov my dear friend. Please don’t let the door hit you on the way to the Psych ER” “And stay away from those blueberries”

The first day I was ill prepared. Guess what? It can get pretty busy here. Handoff rounds were of the brutal/ugly variety as I try to remember who these patients are, why they came and how old were they. I went with a ballpark figure.

“Senior citizen man here for pain in the abdomen”, “No, I have no idea, ask the junior what he found.”

The shift was over. I felt like I’ve been raped. Yes, I know this isn’t funny.

“Let me introduce you to the medical clinic. Sorry you waited so long in the waiting room but you see this building next door? You could have seen a doctor there ten hours ago in walk-in.”

Why the long-face? Did you not appreciate the Lumbar Puncture I did for your perfect tension-headache?

I love Emergency Medicine.