Thursday, November 25, 2004

Jumble of Falling Musicians

(“Nearer, my God, to Thee” was not the hymn played by the band as the Titanic went down. The band, a brave group if there ever was one, played “Autumn”. It ended as the ship tipped over in a jumble of falling musicians and instruments)

Dedicated for the patient who coded last evening

I read this scenario a hundred times over. But that was a scenario and this is you. You are a mother, a wife, a daughter, a provider and many people love you and they don’t want you to die. And I don’t want you to die. And you are dying. Stop dying! Please.

When I entered the room you expected me to save the day. I was paler than my white coat. Made you nervous? Guess what, I was very nervous. Underneath this white coat I am only human and as many times as I poke myself it still hurts, I still bleed and continue to be every bit as human as you.

Have you made mistakes before? I’ve made mistakes and continue to make them. Did your mistakes cost another life? Did your mistakes cost someone an arm or an eye? Do you want that responsibility?

Neither do I. Every day I wake with heaviness in my chest. A pressure so immense I have problems differentiating if something is truly wrong. This is taking its toll. I seem slow, groggy? I’m not really. But once you’ve made costly mistakes you really understand the importance of oversight. Oversight.

Every day this coat feels heavier and heavier. On occasions, I want to rip it off my shoulders and leave, never turn back. Too much invested now. Like watching captains go down with the ship. Cue the orchestra. In many ways this coat feels like a

A cage. I feel trapped in my white coat.